to die with dignity

that would be my last request.

i saw how my grandma passed away, i mean the whole process of dying.
from the moment she had Alzeimer til bed-ridden.
i watched how a fat woman turn into thin and bony.
i saw how much she wanted to eat a spiced egg when she was bed-ridden
and how others refused to give her because that would cause diarrhoea.
i saw how she pretended the bolster beside her as a small kid because she was so lonely.
i saw how she would cover the bolster gently with blanket because she's afraid that 'little child' might catch a cold.
i saw how she talked to me like a total stranger or mistaken me for a 30-years-ago friend of her.

i saw how
she was treated,
going through the last phase of her life.
being neglected, ignored, and left in a dimly lit room.

i didnt visit her oftenly eventhough i knew she had not much time left.
i remembered how she tucked out 100 bucks from her pockets to me when she knew i was going to a varsity five years ago.
i remembered the taste of the milo and soft-boiled egg she used to prepare for me when i was a kid.
i also rememberd how i'd been rude to my grandma.
and i owed her so much.


i know her as my grandma.
that's all. nothing else.

how was she like during my age?
how had she been through her life?
what was her feeling living thinking about dying everyday?


i wanted to know the stories of my grandma 's life.
i wanted to listen to her childhood, her life experience.
and i wanted to share her fear,
her loneliness.

but i know i no longer have the chance to do that.

i dont want to die
in the bed alone with no family members beside me.
i dont want to die
unable to eat my favourite foods.
i dont want to die
with my grandchildren not knowing my stories.

i dont want to die
just like my grandma...

i want to die as a human not inferior than other healthy, living man

i want to die

with dignity.

为自己留一盏灯

每次出门前 总会先把门外那盏灯打开，
不管当时是白天 还是晚上。
因为我害怕 我回家的时候，屋子漆黑一片
孤独感又会油然而生。

如果我是一个人，
在山洞或是无人岛上
我也许不会那么孤独，
因为旁边没有人 衬托我的孤独。

人会感到孤独 是因为
你身在人群中
而你身边
却没有交心的人。

这似乎就是？

‘孤独感始终无法填满。
不被任何人讨厌，
不被任何人喜欢。


整个世界都在拒绝我。’

我了解这种感受，虽然我不至于到这种地步，但是我了解。
我一直认为自信是自己给的，不过我没想过别人是可以轻易摧毁你的自信。
当他是个对你来说特别的人。

最悲哀的情况是你爱过他，他却完全不知道
这么一来你的付出只有自己懂。

然后最庆幸的情况也是你爱过他，他却不知道
这样你就为你自己保留了最后的尊严。

如果世界上只有我们两个。。。。
那么，我就会是你的第一顺位。
呵呵。。。。这不可能会发生








。。。。该怎么形容呢？

我现在的心情。。。。

nguai oi rik ii

很多时候 很多事情 在发生以前 都是有征兆的。
可是我的第六感一向都很不准，
这次
我该相信吗？

我该有所期待吗？

my teenage dreams

i supposed my teenage dream will end at the age of 30- when i complete all the manga that i've been reading since secondary school days.

since entering varsity life, i have not been reading any new shonen manga. 2 main reasons: i'm too busy with other activities, and i think i 've lost my passion towards shonen manga (i found those manga a bit childish and unrealistic sometimes). but i do continue on those shonen manga that i've been reading since the secondary. those which had ended like xxxHolic, Tsubasa, tenjo-tenge, Saijo no meii are some of my favourite manga. everytime a nice manga ended, i would have a feeling as if i had lost something important.... it's hard to describe.

the only thing i never give up is reading bl/yaoi manga.

a girl can let go of her shonen dream but her shojo's heart will beats till her last breath.

and , i will not stop reading bl manga no matter how old i am

......til death do us apart.

matsuda ryuhei

hahaha~im totally in love with this man right now. cant get rid of him from my head. from gohatto to big bang love to the latest upcoming movie...he's on his way to become a true man...i think?

cant really stand with his mustache...but honestly i think he is one of the male actors that u wont forget for quite a time because he is so eye-catching.

爱，有没有

也许真的是这样，也许或者就是痛苦着。

‘你有没有想过要死？’我犹豫了一下‘有。’讲没有的人是骗人的。也许我们两个都还没找到人生目标，也许我们根本没有，也许人总是想太多。

两个女生在一起可以谈什么，除了服装，就是是非。我们都太寂寞了，我们厌倦现状却无力改变， 总是谈着遥不可及的未来，美丽的梦想。我也许寂寞，不过还好我还没失去做梦的能力。
很久没有和人好好谈天。一谈就是三小时，回家路上竟然边走边流泪。不是寂寞难耐到哭，而是感动到哭，因为我一直以为放在心里是最好的方法，而如今说出来我们的想法竟然那么相似。

人到底要孤独到什么程度才会麻木？自立难道就要孤独？

走在只有昏暗街灯与我的空旷路上。我看见我的影子，我竟有些讨厌它。它总是一个人在夜里行走，一个人自言自语，一个人害怕。我习惯性加快脚步，想快点到家，不过又想想，还是慢慢来，慢也有慢的乐趣。每向前一步，就踩到影子一下，一步，一寂寞。

也许会有人经过然后陪我回家，也许有人会载我回家，也许，也许。。。我从来没有停止想过。如果以后的日子就像现在这样，那么我会放下现在的一切， 回到过去。我会毅然回老家，我可以放弃所有理想，如果我的未来那么孤独。

直到一天，连我的家人也厌倦我了，我想到时我真的真的绝望了。