to die with dignity

that would be my last request.

i saw how my grandma passed away, i mean the whole process of dying.
from the moment she had Alzeimer til bed-ridden.
i watched how a fat woman turn into thin and bony.
i saw how much she wanted to eat a spiced egg when she was bed-ridden
and how others refused to give her because that would cause diarrhoea.
i saw how she pretended the bolster beside her as a small kid because she was so lonely.
i saw how she would cover the bolster gently with blanket because she's afraid that 'little child' might catch a cold.
i saw how she talked to me like a total stranger or mistaken me for a 30-years-ago friend of her.

i saw how
she was treated,
going through the last phase of her life.
being neglected, ignored, and left in a dimly lit room.

i didnt visit her oftenly eventhough i knew she had not much time left.
i remembered how she tucked out 100 bucks from her pockets to me when she knew i was going to a varsity five years ago.
i remembered the taste of the milo and soft-boiled egg she used to prepare for me when i was a kid.
i also rememberd how i'd been rude to my grandma.
and i owed her so much.


i know her as my grandma.
that's all. nothing else.

how was she like during my age?
how had she been through her life?
what was her feeling living thinking about dying everyday?


i wanted to know the stories of my grandma 's life.
i wanted to listen to her childhood, her life experience.
and i wanted to share her fear,
her loneliness.

but i know i no longer have the chance to do that.

i dont want to die
in the bed alone with no family members beside me.
i dont want to die
unable to eat my favourite foods.
i dont want to die
with my grandchildren not knowing my stories.

i dont want to die
just like my grandma...

i want to die as a human not inferior than other healthy, living man

i want to die

with dignity.